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One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
Related topics: Funny Cynical Age
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin
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Thank you for joining me on this journey we call life,
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin
Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin
I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin
So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin
Take your life in your own hands, and what happens?
A terrible thing: no one to blame.
- Erica Jong
No one was ever named "Hero" for following the crowd.
Heroes set their own course.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences.
No one can eliminate prejudices -
just recognize them.
- Edward R. Murrow
If you wait for opportunities to occur,
you will be one of the crowd.
- Edward de Bono
Fear defeats more people than
any other one thing in the world.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
This day I will marry my friend,
the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love.
- Anonymous
One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide
One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller
Love one another but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea
between the shores of your souls.
- Khalil Gibran
To know yet to think that one does not know is best;
Not to know yet to think that one knows
will lead to difficulty.
- Lao Tzu
When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy
Don't let one cloud obliterate the whole sky.
- Anais Nin
Majority rule only works if you're also
considering individual rights,
because you can't have five wolves and one sheep
voting on what to have for dinner.
- Larry Flynt
The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard
If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one.
- Mother Teresa
Try a new perspective on diversity.
Across the country and around the world,
we are all one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
One can not reflect in streaming water.
Only those who know internal peace can give it to others.
- Lao Tzu
Friendship is born at that moment
when one person says to another,
"What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
- C. S. Lewis
Individually, we are one drop.
Together, we are an ocean.
- Ryunosuke Satoro
Drop the sword - for there is but one flesh to wound,
and it is the one flesh of all humankind.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
In one drop of water are found all the secrets of all the oceans.
- Khalil Gibran
I am one with the Earth,
with the Water, with the Fire,
with the Air that I breathe,
with all Living Things,
and we are all one with Spirit.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal
with the intent of throwing it at someone else;
you are the one who gets burned.
- The Buddha
The essence of all religions is one.
Only their approaches are different.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.
- Joseph Campbell
We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men
who walked through the huts comforting others,
giving away their last piece of bread...
They offer sufficient proof that everything
can be taken from a man but one thing:
to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances,
to choose one's own way.
- Viktor E. Frankl
"Just living is not enough," said the butterfly,
"one must have sunshine, freedom and a little flower."
- Hans Christian Andersen
No one can give you freedom but you.
- Byron Katie
The heresy of one age becomes the orthodoxy of the next.
Mere tolerance has given place to a sentiment of brotherhood
between sincere men of all denominations.
- Helen Keller
People love chopping wood.
In this activity one immediately sees results.
- Albert Einstein
The highest and most beautiful things in life
are not to be heard about, nor read about, nor seen but,
if one will, are to be lived.
- Soren Kierkegaard
Decide questions without regard for tradition -
one way or the other.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Loving, hating, having expectations:
all these are attachments.
Attachment prevents the growth of one's true being.
- Lao Tzu
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
- Albert Einstein
We have two ears and one mouth so that
we can listen twice as much as we speak.
- Epictetus
The final delusion is the belief
that one has lost all delusions.
- Maurice Chapelain
Words are a lens to focus one's mind.
- Ayn Rand
Listen to all, plucking a feather
from every passing goose,
but, follow no one absolutely.
- Chinese Proverb
There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle.
- Albert Einstein
Genius is one percent inspiration
and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
- Thomas Edison
In the practice of tolerance,
one's enemy is the best teacher.
- Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama
People in their handlings of affairs
often fail when they are about to succeed.
If one remains as careful at the end
as he was at the beginning,
there will be no failure.
- Lao Tzu
To know how to free oneself is nothing;
the arduous thing is to know what to do with one's freedom.
- Andre Gide
Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.
The most certain way to succeed
is always to try just one more time.
- Thomas A. Edison
No one knows what he can do until he tries.
- Publilius Syrus
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May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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