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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
by George Carlin

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin

Related topics: Cynical

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin

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Thank you for joining me on this journey we call life,
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin

I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin

So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin

Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're gonna get.
- the movie Forrest Gump

The true meaning of life is to plant trees,
under whose shade you do not expect to sit.
- Nelson Henderson

The life of inner peace,
being harmonious and without stress,
is the easiest type of existence.
- Norman Vincent Peale

Life is as easy or as hard as you think it is.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is always lived in the eye-of-the-storm
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is not supposed to be fair.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Success is failure recycled.
Life is death reborn.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I have found that if you love life,
life will love you back.
- Arthur Rubinstein

Life is without meaning.
You bring the meaning to it.
The meaning of life is
whatever you ascribe it to be.
Being alive is the meaning.
- Joseph Campbell

Bringing a childlike wonder
and a beginner's mind to life
maximizes both success and joy.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is really simple,
but we insist on making it complicated.
- Confucius

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

The book of life is filled with incoherent riddles.
Life's true lessons are inscribed in a corner of the margin.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Time, like life itself, has no inherent meaning.
We give our own meaning to time as to life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is best when I wish neither to hurry the future nor to slow it.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is a succession of lessons
which must be lived to be understood.
- Helen Keller

Majority rule only works if you're also
considering individual rights,
because you can't have five wolves and one sheep
voting on what to have for dinner.
- Larry Flynt

There are only two or three human stories,
and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely
as if they had never happened before.
- Willa Cather

One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller

The question is not what you look at, but what you see.
- Henry David Thoreau

When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw

Unsolicited Advice Is Always Meddling.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Today is your day to laugh at life,
laugh at what's funny - laugh at what's sad,
laugh loud - laugh often,
laugh at me - laugh at you - laugh at life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

You Create Your Own Reality.
- Anonymous

He who knows others is wise.
He who knows himself is enlightened.
- Lao Tzu

Seek first to understand,
then to be understood.
- Stephen Covey

Honor tradition AND question tradition.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Play with life, laugh with life,
dance lightly with life,
and smile at the riddles of life,
knowing that life's only true lessons
are writ small in the margin.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked,
in which you can walk with love and reverence.
- Henry David Thoreau

He who has overcome his fears will truly be free.
- Aristotle

Beware the Rattlesnake of the Mind.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again,
but expecting different results.
- Rita Mae Brown, also attributed to Einstein

Life's burdens are lighter when I laugh at myself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is a reflection of intent.
Love reflects love.
Hate reflects hate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is defined more by its contrasts than its samenesses;
Life is defined more by its risks than the many securities.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Where there is shouting, there is no true knowledge.
- Leonardo da Vinci

We don't see things as they are,
we see things as we are.
- Anais Nin

Don't Criticize, Condemn, Or Complain.
- Dale Carnegie

Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,
and the life of the candle will not be shortened.
Happiness never decreases by being shared.
- The Buddha

It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are,
or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy.
It is what you think about.
- Dale Carnegie

Don't Take Anything Personally.
Nothing others do is because of you.
- Miguel Angel Ruiz (don Miguel Ruiz)

Where there is no accusation of "fault,"
there can be no anger.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A time for work, a time for play -
balance in all things.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life only
appears to be
rushing toward us
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie