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Funny Quotes
Funny Sayings (6)
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
Related topics: Cynical Government Political Movie
You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen
Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer
The rarest quality in an epitaph is truth.
- Henry David Thoreau
The light at the end of the tunnel
may be an oncoming train.
- Anonymous
Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.
- the movie Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)
In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns
Money is better than poverty,
if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen
Sucking the marrow out of life
doesn't mean choking on the bone.
- Robin Williams as John Keating
in the 1989 movie Dead Poets Society
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
Women want mediocre men,
and men are working to be as mediocre as possible.
- Margaret Mead
I can't stand a naked light bulb.
- the movie A Streetcar Named Desire
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
- Winston Churchill
I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives
as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron
The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
- Mark Twain
If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin
Don't threaten me with a dead fish.
- the movie Withnail & I (1987)
Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off
until the day after tomorrow what should
have been done the day before yesterday.
- Napoleon Hill
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.
- Benjamin Franklin
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin
Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak;
courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
- Winston Churchill
Do not speak to me of rules.
This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- from the movie The Bridge On The River Kwai
My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner
Life is like a sewer...
what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer
My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck
Money often costs too much.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- Albert Einstein
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous
I have a very low threshold of death.
My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- the Woody Allen movie Casino Royale
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
Nothing is more cheerful than talking
about our friends' shortcomings.
- Mason Cooley
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
Fasten your safety belts, clench your buttocks!
It's going be a bumpy ride!
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
My way of joking is telling the truth;
that is the funniest joke in the world.
- George Bernard Shaw
Having two bathrooms ruined the capacity to co-operate.
- Margaret Mead
There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
The wine of youth does not always
clear with advancing years;
sometimes it grows turbid.
- Carl Jung
I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
- Winston Churchill
One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde
One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche
I have a very pessimistic view of life.
You should know this about me if we're gonna go out.
You know, I - I feel that life is -
is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Those are the two categories, you know.
The - the horrible would be like, um,
I don't know, terminal cases, you know,
and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life.
It's amazing to me. You know, and the miserable is everyone else.
That's - that's - so - so - when you go through life -
you should be thankful that you're miserable
because you're very lucky to be miserable.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
I got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup
For my part, I consider that it will be found much better
by all parties to leave the past to history,
especially as I propose to write that history myself.
- Winston Churchill
Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
- Art Buchwald
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
I am free of prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
- W. C. Fields
Greetings, cosmic children of the universe.
Welcome to my serenity circle.
Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex.
- the movie Shrek the Third (2007)
Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)
Life is a moderately good play
with a badly written third act.
- Truman Capote
When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to
criticize or attack the government of my own country.
I make up for lost time when I come home.
- Winston Churchill
An excellent man;
he has no enemies;
and none of his friends like him.
- Oscar Wilde
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