Funny Quotes
Funny Sayings (5)

I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde

Related topics: Cynical Humor

The future ain't what it used to be.
- Yogi Berra

The light at the end of the tunnel
may be an oncoming train.
- Anonymous

(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

Life is a moderately good play
with a badly written third act.
- Truman Capote

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

Harvard takes perfectly good plums as students,
and turns them into prunes.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother
rather than all major credit cards.
- Robert Orben

My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci

Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off
until the day after tomorrow what should
have been done the day before yesterday.
- Napoleon Hill

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

EVERYONE has the right to make an ass out of themselves.
- Harold and Maude (The movie )

It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!
- the movie Shrek 2 (2004)

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

The food at this place is really terrible ...
and such small portions.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin

The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous

Love thy neighbor -
and if he happens to be tall,
debonair and devastating,
it will be that much easier.
- Mae West

In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns

Are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
- said by Donkey in the movie Shrek 2

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down
rat holes with baited breath.
- W. C. Fields

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -
a practice which is still continued.
- Helen Rowland

Morality is the theory that every human act
must be either right or wrong,
and that 99 % of them are wrong.
- H. L. Mencken

People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.
- Benjamin Franklin

And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
- Mark Twain

It happens - Sometimes.
- the movie Forrest Gump

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain

Frankly, I'm too scared to ask about the frog.
- the movie Tangled (2010)

This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary (2001)

Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

Politics is almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous.
In war you can only be killed once, but in politics many times.
- Winston Churchill

Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors

I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives
as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

A lifelong friend is someone
you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous

Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
- H. L. Mencken

I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

I have lost friends, some by death ...
others by sheer inability to cross the street.
- Virginia Woolf

Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
We were meant to be afraid.
- the Woody Allen movie Anything Else

There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer

It is more agreeable to have the power to give than to receive.
- Winston Churchill

Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak;
courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
- Winston Churchill

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

If we were meant to be happy,
why did God create war, hunger, and the 11 o'clock news?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Having two bathrooms ruined the capacity to co-operate.
- Margaret Mead

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