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Funny Quotes
Funny Sayings (4)
Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
Money is better than poverty,
if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen
What this country needs is a credit card for
charging things to experience.
- Tom Wilson
The world's mental.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Go ahead, make my day.
- the movie Sudden Impact (1983)
When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain
There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
He who marries for love without money
has good nights and sorry days.
- Anonymous
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- Anonymous
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -
a practice which is still continued.
- Helen Rowland
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Love is only a dirty trick played on us
to achieve continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
- Emo Phillips
There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world,
and the worst of it is that half of them are true.
- Winston Churchill
My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
We make our friends; we make our enemies;
but God makes our next-door neighbor.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton
If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin
No matter how much cats fight,
there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln
If life is a trial, who is the judge and jury?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Whenever I find the key to success,
someone changes the lock.
- Anonymous
My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous
They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson [also attributed to Oscar Wilde]
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
Don't expect me to get excited over
another damn thing we need to find.
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)
It's cookies, he smells like cookies,
and the smell gets stronger when he's in heat.
- the movie Michael
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
I wanted to see exotic Vietnam, the jewel of Southeast Asia.
I, uh, I wanted to meet interesting
and stimulating people of an ancient culture,
and kill them.
- the movie Full Metal Jacket
Love thy neighbor -
and if he happens to be tall,
debonair and devastating,
it will be that much easier.
- Mae West
He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor
God must love the common man, he made so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
Some days just go to Hell faster than others.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary
Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde
The wine of youth does not always
clear with advancing years;
sometimes it grows turbid.
- Carl Jung
I have a very pessimistic view of life.
You should know this about me if we're gonna go out.
You know, I - I feel that life is -
is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Those are the two categories, you know.
The - the horrible would be like, um,
I don't know, terminal cases, you know,
and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life.
It's amazing to me. You know, and the miserable is everyone else.
That's - that's - so - so - when you go through life -
you should be thankful that you're miserable
because you're very lucky to be miserable.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
Love is a grave mental disease.
- Plato
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world.
I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
This is my ultimate fantasy:
watching QVC with a credit card
while making love and eating at the same time.
- Yasmine Bleeth
It is more agreeable to have the power to give than to receive.
- Winston Churchill
I am free of prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
- W. C. Fields
There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
We were meant to be afraid.
- the Woody Allen movie Anything Else
I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde
Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2
Some days you're the dog,
and some days you're the hydrant.
- Anonymous
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon
New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter
One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde
You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein
Women want mediocre men,
and men are working to be as mediocre as possible.
- Margaret Mead
When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
Just because I don't care,
doesn't mean I don't understand.
- Matt Groening's TV series The Simpsons.
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
- Mark Twain
Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
- Art Buchwald
The four most important words in any marriage...
"I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous
After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her,
and after half an hour
I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
- the movie Take the Money and Run (1969)
Wit is the lowest form of humor.
- Alexander Pope
The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain
Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning
I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
- Winston Churchill
I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- the movie The Cabin in the Cotton
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother
rather than all major credit cards.
- Robert Orben
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin
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