Funny Quotes
Funny Sayings (3)

Love is a grave mental disease.
- Plato

Related topics: Cynical Romantic Love Cute Whimsey

Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2

Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus

Women want mediocre men,
and men are working to be as mediocre as possible.
- Margaret Mead

The ad agency's name for Hell is "Las Vegas."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!
- the movie Shrek 2 (2004)

The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
but the calf won't get much sleep.
- Woody Allen

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world,
and the worst of it is that half of them are true.
- Winston Churchill

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin

This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary (2001)

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde

Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married
to someone who's recklessly impulsive?
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

Always forgive your enemies -
nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde

Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
- Marilyn Monroe

The rarest quality in an epitaph is truth.
- Henry David Thoreau

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous

In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words,
and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet.
- Winston Churchill

You wanna know the meaning of life?
Fugedaboudit - It ain't happnin.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
We were meant to be afraid.
- the Woody Allen movie Anything Else

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -
a practice which is still continued.
- Helen Rowland

The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
- Mark Twain

I am free of prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
- W. C. Fields

Just because I don't care,
doesn't mean I don't understand.
- Matt Groening's TV series The Simpsons.

Life is a moderately good play
with a badly written third act.
- Truman Capote

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton

Rules are mostly made to be broken
and are too often for the lazy to hide behind.
- Douglas MacArthur

Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
- Mark Twain

Money often costs too much.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx

A wedding is just like a funeral
except that you get to smell your own flowers.
- Grace Hansen

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day -
and another, in case it doesn't rain.
- Mae West

They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- the movie National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)

Greetings, cosmic children of the universe.
Welcome to my serenity circle.
Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex.
- the movie Shrek the Third (2007)

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- Albert Einstein

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer

A woman in love can't be reasonable -
or she probably wouldn't be in love.
- Mae West

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Some days just go to Hell faster than others.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein

When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2

Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

An intellectual is a man
who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he knows.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Go ahead, make my day.
- the movie Sudden Impact (1983)

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

The four most important words in any marriage...
"I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous

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