Funny Quotes
Funny Sayings (2)

The time-traveling is just too dangerous.
Better that I devote myself to study
the other great mystery of the universe - women!
- the movie Back to the Future II

Related topics: Movie

The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious
as to have friends at a distance;
they make the latitudes and the longitudes.
- Henry David Thoreau

I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
- Winston Churchill

Women want mediocre men,
and men are working to be as mediocre as possible.
- Margaret Mead

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.
- Benjamin Franklin

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine

The wine of youth does not always
clear with advancing years;
sometimes it grows turbid.
- Carl Jung

Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off
until the day after tomorrow what should
have been done the day before yesterday.
- Napoleon Hill

Having two bathrooms ruined the capacity to co-operate.
- Margaret Mead

There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill

I have a very pessimistic view of life.
You should know this about me if we're gonna go out.
You know, I - I feel that life is -
is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Those are the two categories, you know.
The - the horrible would be like, um,
I don't know, terminal cases, you know,
and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life.
It's amazing to me. You know, and the miserable is everyone else.
That's - that's - so - so - when you go through life -
you should be thankful that you're miserable
because you're very lucky to be miserable.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)

I don't care whose fault this was, just get it sorted!
And could someone please bring me something deep fat fried
and smothered in chocolate.
- the movie Shrek 2

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
but the calf won't get much sleep.
- Woody Allen

Love is a grave mental disease.
- Plato

I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream.
I'll be out in a minute.
- the Woody Allen movie What's New Pussycat

When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake.
- the movie The Little Mermaid (1989)

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin

I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
- the movie Simon Birch

Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin

Don't threaten me with a dead fish.
- the movie Withnail & I (1987)

If we were meant to be happy,
why did God create war, hunger, and the 11 o'clock news?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

This is my ultimate fantasy:
watching QVC with a credit card
while making love and eating at the same time.
- Yasmine Bleeth

What do I think of Western civilization?
I think it would be a very good idea.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

The ad agency's name for Hell is "Las Vegas."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

In war, you can only be killed once,
but in politics, many times.
- Winston Churchill

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day -
and another, in case it doesn't rain.
- Mae West

We have the best government that money can buy.
- Mark Twain

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

Always forgive your enemies -
nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde

Do not speak to me of rules.
This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- from the movie The Bridge On The River Kwai

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage -
they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

At the beginning, we are in relationship
because we are attracted to the other person -
we think they are sexy, smart, funny,
whatever it is that we find appealing.
But very quickly, the focus of the relationship
turns to whether we feel appreciated.
If we don't feel appreciated, we don't feel loved.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Mark Twain

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter
quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin

He who marries for love without money
has good nights and sorry days.
- Anonymous

From wine what sudden friendship springs.
- John Gay

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

God must love the common man, he made so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln

What this country needs is a credit card for
charging things to experience.
- Tom Wilson

I have no fear of the gallows ... They're going to shoot me.
- the movie Love and Death

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain

Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- Albert Einstein

My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner

I want to thank my parents for everything I am today -
fat, miserable, and paranoid.
- Anonymous

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
- said by Donkey in the movie Shrek 2

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons
out of the hands of fools.
Let's start with typewriters.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous

I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- the movie The Cabin in the Cotton

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