Funny Quotes
Funny Sayings
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde
Related topics: Wisdom Life Human-Nature Psychology Cynical Cute Whimsey
You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something,
sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill 
Life's burdens are lighter when I laugh at myself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer
Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?
- Mark Twain
When you reach the end of your rope,
tie a knot and hang on.
- Anonymous Saying
(Sometimes attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt,
Eleanor Roosevelt, or Thomas Jefferson)
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
You got to be careful if you
don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there.
- Yogi Berra
The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous
Always listen to the experts.
They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein
When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain
Today is your day to laugh at life,
laugh at what's funny - laugh at what's sad,
laugh loud - laugh often,
laugh at me - laugh at you - laugh at life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
When you think you're out of time,
smile, and turn back the clock.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
- Milton Berle
My life has been filled with terrible misfortune;
most of which never happened.
- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne
A person with a new idea is
a crank until the idea succeeds.
- Mark Twain
We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks-
if we agree with him.
- Mark Twain
Minds are like parachutes.
They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar
One day Alice came to a fork in the road
and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
His responses was a question: "Where do you want to go?"
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
- Lewis Carroll
The secret of ugliness consists not in irregularity,
but in being uninteresting.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Normal is in the eye of the beholder.
- Whoopi Goldberg
Times like these, dark times,
they do funny things to people.
They can tear them apart.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)
Old age has deformities enough of its own.
It should never add to them the deformity of vice.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Nine-tenths of the people were created
so you would want to be with the other tenth.
- Horace Walpole
Okay, here's your first lesson: how to take a FALL!
- the movie Karate Kid
An old friend will help you move.
A good friend will help you move a dead body.
- Jim Hayes
Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts cartoon
When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw
Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
and that's what parents were created for.
- Ogden Nash
I truly believe that happiness is possible...
even when you're thirty-three
and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
It's a funny thing about life;
if you refuse to accept anything but the best,
you very often get it.
- W. Somerset Maugham
All diseases run into one - old age.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I've developed a new philosophy...
I only dread one day at a time.
- the character Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic
Love is an endless mystery,
for it has nothing else to explain it.
- Rabindranath Tagore
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
Today is my day to laugh at life.
Laugh loud - laugh often.
Laugh at what's funny - laugh at what's sad.
Laugh at me - laugh at you - laugh at life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man
take which course he will,
he will be sure to repent.
- Socrates
To fall in love is awfully simple,
but to fall out of love is simply awful.
- Bess Myerson
I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
I'm a very loyal and unreliable friend.
- Bono
Laugh Loud - Laugh Often
Laugh At What's Funny - Laugh At What's Sad
Laugh At Me - Laugh At You - Laugh At Life
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
- W. C. Fields
Sometimes I've believed as many as
six impossible things before breakfast.
- Lewis Carroll
True love comes quietly,
without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal
The road to success is always under construction.
- Anonymous
What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal,
your name just happened to come up. -
- Charlie Brown, in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth
or burn down your house, you can never tell.
- Joan Crawford
When you're drowning, you don't say,
"I would be incredibly pleased if someone
would have the foresight to notice
me drowning and come and help me,"
you just scream.
- John Lennon
I never make stupid mistakes.
Only very, very clever ones.
- John Peel
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times,
always with the same person.
- Germaine Greer
I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer
I'm just preparing my impromptu remarks.
- Winston Churchill
The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.
- Albert Einstein
You are only young once,
but you can stay immature indefinitely.
- Anonymous
I am no longer young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
The way I see it, it doesn't matter what you believe,
just so you're sincere.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Go Fly A Kite, Charlie Brown
When life gets you down -
just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
- Anonymous humor
Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent.
What you lack, is the capacity.
- said by Shrek in the movie Shrek 2
You can always do one thing less than you think you can.
- Anonymous
No problem is so formidable that
you can't walk away from it.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors
who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor
Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too.
My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- the movie Anything Else (2003)
If you're going to tell people the truth,
be funny or they'll kill you.
- Billy Wilder
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx
What do I think of Western civilization?
I think it would be a very good idea.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
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