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I don't believe in the after life,
by Woody Allen

I don't believe in the after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

Related topics: Funny Cynical

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
- Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have,
instead of what you don't have.
- Woody Allen

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

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Thank you for joining me on this journey we call life,
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

All people know the same truth.
Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
- Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

The food at this place is really terrible ...
and such small portions.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream.
I'll be out in a minute.
- the Woody Allen movie What's New Pussycat

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen

I have a very low threshold of death.
My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- the Woody Allen movie Casino Royale

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

I'm awash in self-contempt!
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

You have no values. With you its all nihilism,
cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Money is better than poverty,
if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
but the calf won't get much sleep.
- Woody Allen

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

I have a very pessimistic view of life.
You should know this about me if we're gonna go out.
You know, I - I feel that life is -
is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Those are the two categories, you know.
The - the horrible would be like, um,
I don't know, terminal cases, you know,
and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life.
It's amazing to me. You know, and the miserable is everyone else.
That's - that's - so - so - when you go through life -
you should be thankful that you're miserable
because you're very lucky to be miserable.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
We were meant to be afraid.
- the Woody Allen movie Anything Else

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

Those who believe they can do something
and those who believe they can't
are both right.
- Henry Ford

Trust your own inner guidance.
Have faith that your steps are
carrying you toward your dreams.
Keep your eyes on the heavens
and believe that your feet will carry you well.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The future belongs to those
who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations.
I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty,
believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.
- Louisa May Alcott

Whatever you do, you need courage.
Whatever course you decide upon,
there is always someone to tell you
that you are wrong.
There are always difficulties arising
that tempt you to believe your critics are right.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it,
or who said it, no matter if I have said it,
unless it agrees with your own reason
and your own common sense.
- The Buddha

Whatever the mind can conceive and believe,
it can achieve.
- Napoleon Hill

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go,
things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right,
you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself,
and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
- Marilyn Monroe

To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

In spite of everything, I still believe
that people are really good at heart.
I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation
consisting of confusion, misery and death.
- Anne Frank

Shallow men believe in luck.
Strong men believe in cause and effect.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Simply put, you believe that things
or people make you unhappy,
but this is not accurate.
You make yourself unhappy.
- Wayne Dyer

Believe those who are seeking the truth.
Doubt those who find it.
- Andre Gide

Your life becomes what you believe.
- Jewel

Believe in yourself, and trust your own wisdom
rather than being swayed by the opinions of others.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Reality is what you believe it to be.
It's what you put your thought and energy into,
because your hands physically manifest thought.
So your world becomes what you feel and what you think.
- Jewel

The thing always happens that you really believe in;
and the belief in a thing makes it happen.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

Believe in yourself,
in your vision for your future
and in your ability to take a small step
each day toward achieving your vision.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Don't believe me,
don't believe yourself,
and don't believe anyone else.
- don Miguel Ruiz

I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything,
I still believe that people are really good at heart.
- Anne Frank

I believe that every human mind feels pleasure
in doing good to another.
- Thomas Jefferson

Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared
believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstance.
- Bruce Barton

To accomplish great things,
we must not only act, but also dream;
not only plan, but also believe.
- Anatole France

I don't believe in killing whatever the reason!
- John Lennon

In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west;
people create distinctions out of their own minds
and then believe them to be true.
- The Buddha

I was brought up to believe that the only thing worth doing
was to add to the sum of accurate information in the world.
- Margaret Mead

I don't believe that imagining is enough.
- Bono

Believe in yourself. Dream big dreams.
Set important goals. Take action on those goals.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

You can, when you believe you can.
- Anonymous

You are braver than you believe,
stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

Believe in yourself. Have faith in your abilities.
Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers
you cannot be successful or happy.
- Norman Vincent Peale

It is always better to have no ideas than false ones;
to believe nothing, than to believe what is wrong.
- Thomas Jefferson

I do not believe in a fate that
falls on men however they act;
but I do believe in a fate
that falls on them unless they act.
- The Buddha

Believe that life is worth living,
and your belief will help create the fact.
- William James

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world.
For, indeed, that's all who ever have.
- Margaret Mead

If you would convince a man that he does wrong, do right.
Men will believe what they see.
- Henry David Thoreau

Stand often in the company of dreamers.
They believe you can achieve impossible things.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

If you believe that a task will be difficult, it will be -
and you will have suffered with worry beforehand.
Approach life with joy and optimism.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

What people believe prevails over the truth.
- Sophocles

I believe that anyone can conquer fear
by doing the things he fears to do,
provided he keeps doing them until he gets
a record of successful experience behind him.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Believe you can and you're halfway there.
- Theodore Roosevelt

Have a Vision, a Dream.
Believe in that Vision.
Live that Vision with every fiber of your being.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie